


All Of This And Nothing

by Zoisitechan



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bottom!Shepard, Domesticity, Earthborn, Fluff, M/M, Perfect Destroy Ending, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Sheploo - Freeform, Top!Alenko, post-ME3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-25
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-29 01:26:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6353431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoisitechan/pseuds/Zoisitechan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Domestic!mshenko fix-it headcanon, post-Perfect Destroy Ending, rated for later chapters and a few things here and there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 5 AM (Vancouver)

Shepard took a deep sigh as he exited on the balcony overseeing the English Bay. It was nothing o'clock in the morning again, but no drug was able to cure his troubled sleep, apparently.

Being brought back to life for the second time in a few years had been overwhelming.  
The first time it happened, Cerberus reconstructed him from tip to toe using no more than his human remains, but high technology and advanced implants made the trick, the whole thing bearable also on the pain management side.  
This second time however, after a war in which everything burned, all things humanity achieved were thrown one century back into the past and his recovery had been slow, painful and, so far, incomplete. He still had a limp, cramps everywhere, internal stitches not yet healed; he suffered migraines, insomnia, muscular stiffness and severe weight loss. He depended on pain killers and immunosuppressive medications, to prevent the rejection of transplanted organs and tissues. The doctors said he would eventually get better, in time, but this was his present situation and they still called it a 'miracle'.

A full day after the Crucible fired, Shepard was found in London, among the rubble. Did the beam throw him back to Earth from the Citadel, somehow? Was he ever, _physically_ , on the Citadel, to start with? He would never know.

Anyway, the rescuers believed to have extracted nothing but a corpse, then they noticed he was still breathing. London was wrecked but some hospitals still offered medical care and so they brought him there, the war hero's body reduced to the state of an object without a subject. The doctors had no high hopes for him, but they tried their very best anyway, given the circumstances.  
And they were rewarded but the fact that, unexpectedly, Shepard survived the first difficult month of his recovery in a pharmacological coma and undergoing an awful lot of surgery.

He didn't remember anything of most of that time of course, except that, from a certain point, someone was beside his bed, night and day, holding his hand, speaking comforting words he couldn't really hear in his state, but finding peace in them anyway.

Kaidan.

 

Kaidan found his way back, together with the Normandy's crew, from God knows where in the galaxy, passing through a semi-destroyed mass relay which still led them to the Sol system, somehow. Joker had a great part in that, with his great skills and a good dose of recklessness, driving the ship back home.

Since he set foot on Earth and learnt Shepard was alive, Kaidan stood at his Commander's side, for more months of hospitalization. Only recently Shepard was allowed to resume a 'normal' life, or something close to it, and Major Alenko insisted on taking him to his beloved Vancouver, in his parents' place which was now all his (after her husband was killed in action, Kaidan's mother moved in with her sister in Edmonton).

Domesticity was completely new to Shepard. He never had a home in his younger years, an orphan who grew up in the streets and who, at the age of eighteen, enlisted with the Alliance Military. He never belonged anywhere, not even to the Citadel and the luxurious flat Anderson gave him: Shepard didn't spend enough time in there to get remotely accustomed to the idea of 'home'. The Normandy was the only place he could call his own, so far.

But there, in Vancouver, it was different. Kaidan's house was filled with the stuff and memories of a loving and united family: old books and pictures on the mantle, knitted blankets and many cosy spots to relax made Shepard feel like he could finally settle down. It was a large house inundated with light and air and the view from the balcony - Kaidan was right - was splendid.

So Shepard used to sit there when he couldn't sleep, watching the morning fog rise and the sky slowly turn the soft gray into a flaming orange. It was peaceful. In a short while, Kaidan generally joined him, bringing a blanket for both of them and two smoking cups of coffee, brown with milk. "Hey there", he smiled.

"Hey", Shepard echoed, his voice a bit throaty. "You always seem so profoundly asleep when I leave you and a few minutes later there you are. What am I supposed to do with you?"

"Stop leaving me? Jeez, it's freezing out here."  Alenko's body was majestic, amber skin and a perfect muscular frame. The war didn't leave any permanent sign on him, contrary to what it did to Shepard's.

Kaidan gave Shepard one cup of coffee and he sat beside him, covering them both with the large blanket draped over their shoulders. He was wearing nothing but his black briefs, while Shepard had a white t-shirt on and a pair of blue tracksuit bottoms. Kaidan kissed Shepard on that one sexy mole on his neck.  


"You're hot even when you don't sleep. You okay?"

"...Okay", Shepard lied. "Say -" he continued, "I thought. We should... go out tonight."

"Really?"

"Really. Would you like to, Kaidan? It's been a damn long time since we had a date night."

"I'd love to. But would it be fine if you -"

"I'll be fine" Shepard cut him off. "Find a restaurant and pick me here at seven. I'll be waiting for you."

"Okay, deal." Kaidan kissed his lover on the lips lightly. "I'll be thinking about you all day. Well, time for me to get ready for work. Are you coming inside?"

"In a minute."


	2. Forward (Shades Of Grey)

After the War, Shepard didn't get any official discharge from the Alliance for medical conditions. Admiral Hackett, who came to decorate him in London one of the last days of his hospitalization, told Shepard that he expected him back to active duty, sooner ar later. They both know it wasn't gonna happen, but the Commander silently accepted his own medal and also the one awarded to the deceased Admiral Anderson, because the man had nobody next of kin.  
Since then, Shepard was given limitless shore leave and he was still receiving his salary.

Major Alenko, on the other hand, like the rest of the Normandy's crew was offered a promotion, which he refused: active service and being with John most of the time didn't get along, so he asked for a job, any job in Vancouver.  
He got assigned to an Alliance boot camp just outside of the city, as a Field Training Officer. For his skills and his rank he deserved something else, but he was more than happy to teach those young people, some of which had lost their relatives in the War so now they regarded the military as their sole family.  
Kaidan saw a young Shepard in some of them, thinking about how John must have resembled those boys when he enlisted: alone, reckless, maybe angry. Kaidan wished he had met Shepard when everything he got were his eighteen years and his pride; he was sure they would have become close since then.

Everyday, Kaidan went to work and he was back home by dinner time. Meanwhile, Shepard had his daily routine of therapy and for the rest of the time he watched movies, a thing that he never got the time to do previously in his life. He liked war movies set in old times, especially during WWII; he marveled at the bravery of those men who fought with rudimental weapons, poor gear and cheap steel helmets completely unfit for the field. He also liked science-fiction from the previous centuries; it was naive and basically entertaining. He liked room-sized computers with their black and white monitors and those plastic models of ships pretending to cross the outer space. Some of those filmmakers were completely ignorant about physics and their mistakes were hilarious, like flags waving in a vacuum.

Today, however, Shepard didn't have time for that: he mailed his physiotherapist and asked her not to come, then he dressed and ventured outside. He wasn't particularly stable on his feet yet and he got tired very easily, but he wanted to go buy something. A fucking fancy suit for the evening.

The closest thing to a shopping centre was relatively nearby, but most shops were located downtown and he reached it with a taxi ride. The driver, a ginger haired beardy young man, kept staring at him from the rear-view mirror, but Shepard pretended not to notice. The last thing he wanted was to be recognized and been posed that inevitable question at the end of all questions people asked him all the time: what did he intend to do _now_?

The shop he chose looked elegant but not extravagant. The owner was a man in his fifties and he approached Shepard, greeting him with a distinctive British accent.

"Do you have any suits?" the Commander asked, feeling immediately stupid considering the shop wasn't selling anything else.

"Are you looking for something specific, sir? If you don't have an idea already, I can show you some of our models."

"Yes, please."

"May I ask if you have any colour in mind? I can recommend dim grey, it's particularly appreciated by our customers. Or ash grey, if you feel more comfortable with it."

"Dim grey sounds... good."

Shepard knew that grey was definitely a colour, but he had no clue that several kind of greys existed and he was unable to determine the difference between the two just mentioned.

Anyway, the mandarin collar suit he was shown was quite beautiful, actually. The fabric was nice both to the sight and to the touch and the design of the jacket looked very elegant and sober.

"Would you like to try it out, sir? Together with an ivory shirt, maybe?"

Yes, that suit could do. If only... - Shepard lost a lot of weight during his recovery and he had no idea how the whole thing would have appeared on his now skinny frame. Nevertheless, he wore it.

When he emerged from the changing room, Shepard hesitated to look in the mirror, submitting himself to the other man's scrutiny, instead.

"So, how is it? Does this suit makes me look good?"

"Your good looks make you look good, sir."

_What?_

"It fits you _very_ well, yes. Anyway I'd go for another shirt, whitesmoke instead of ivory."

"Whatever you say" Shepard answered, glad to have completed his task more easily than expected. Now he had a suit.  
He still needed shoes and a third thing for his date with Kaidan. The third thing was important.


	3. Date Nights (Miss You It Hurts)

The first time they had sex it was right after the steak sandwich date, when they got back on the Normandy a bit drunk, but not so drunk to be incapable to decide where and how they both wanted that night to end up.  


In the elevator, Kaidan brushed the naked portion of Shepard's arm tentatively with the back of his fingers and the Commander let him, meeting his gaze. How many times did Kaidan imagine this moment? So many he'd lost count, but the difference now was that this moment was real. Shepard was so real and so close to him - in that relatively narrow space - that Kaidan could feel the heat spreading from the younger man's skin. And he was allowed to touch him. And maybe more.

He kissed Shepard refraining from asking "May I?", but his gesture was chaste, almost reverent. Shepard, however, responded to it with an increased urgency. 

Arrived at Deck 1, the Commander pulled away, starting to head to his cabin, and Kaidan just followed.

"Are you stalking me, Major?" Shepard asked, unable to hide an attractive half smile.

"I do, _sir_."

Shepard grinned.

"... Good _._ "

 

They just made it past the Captain's cabin door and Kaidan grabbed Shepard by the wrist, made him turn and they resumed kissing, his warm hands palming Shepard's body everywhere. There was a chemistry between them greater than they both anticipated. They could feel it instantly, while they stripped from their respective uniforms.  


First times are graceless and sometimes embarassing; in their case it was frantic and messy, that for sure, but each of their gestures generated a delicious and excruciating pleasure in the other, like they were meant for it since forever. And they were.  


Shepard's compliance in bed drove Kaidan over the edge. He had no idea if the Commander preferred top, switch, or bottom, but considering what a fighter the man was on the battlefield, Kaidan didn't expect him to just lay back on the bed, instead, and whisper "Fuck me, Kaidan. Your way, whatever... floats your boat." And he smiled almost shyly.  


Kaidan made the Commander strip from his underwear and he admired how beautiful he was. Then, after a good foreplay, He held the younger man firmly down, one hand on his sternum, the other one under his head (the buzzed hair felt amazing to the touch), while he finally buried himself deep inside that glorious body, Shepard's thighs wrapped tight over his waist. 

"God," Kaidan panted, his grip now on Shepard's broad shoulders. "You're tight. Are you okay with this? I can slow down if -"  


"Go on" Shepard murmured. Kaidan could feel against his abdomen how hard Shepard was. For me, Kaidan thought, all for me. Pleasure and pride exploded in him as he progressively resumed what he was doing before, making Shepard panting under him. That night they both experienced one of the best orgasms of their lives. 

The next day Shepard was the legendary Commander again, the hero Kaidan was willing to follow into the depths of hell. There was a war to win and after that night they were able to steal only a few intimate moments again. Then, before everyone could prepare for it, there was London, and the beam, and what it seemed the end of all things. 

 

It wasn't, eventually. But sex had been out of question for several months ever since.

Shepard's body could ache for the mere action of laying down when he tried (mostly unsuccessfully) to sleep at night.  
He never said it aloud, of course; even during his long months in the hospital, he never complained about it, accepting pain as a consequence of his actions on the field, and embracing it, in a way. Without that sacrifice, he wouldn't have accomplished what he did accomplish: destroy the Reapers once and for all.  
But even if he didn't say anything, he was clearly unwell.

That constant physical pain and all the limitations derived from it aggravated his post-traumatic stress disorder. He felt trapped in a body which didn't resemble the strong one he used to have.  
Kaidan treating him like he was made of glass didn't help either, even if he did so with the best intentions.

Kaidan had never been a rough lover, always the gentle type even when, back on the Normandy, the two of them got tired of vanilla sex and sought for some more action. That was a nice thing, but now he didn't do anything more than hand-kissing and soft cuddling and Shepard couldn't stand it any longer. He wanted sex back in their lives, and he wanted it starting that night.

Shepard got home, exhausted, around three in the afternoon. There was still time for a shower, hopefully a quick nap and then for getting ready and dressed up.

 

Kaidan Alenko enjoyed his new life, so very much. He remembered the messed up kid that he was, forced to go to Jump Zero when all he wished was to stay at home with his mum and dad, doing normal things like normal boys. But 'normal' never played a big role in his life, at least until now.

Now he had a home, something close to a nine to five job, and more importantly he had someone to love, someone he cared so much about that sometimes he could feel his heart almost burst with that feeling.

He had been terribly worried for John in the past few months, when doctors didn't say enough with their mouths but said too much with their eyes. But now, thank God, he was slowly getting better. Kaidan knew Shepard wasn't out of the woods yet, but he held a solid faith in his endless resources and strong will.

The idea of a date night coming from him, for instance, was a positive signal that John felt like it, that he felt better and Kaidan was so glad about it. He took a long hot shower at the end of his turn and changed into civilian clothes before heading home: he wanted to pick up Shepard at seven, as they agreed, all cleaned up and dead on time. What he didn't expect, however, was to find John looking like he came straight out from a fashion magazine of sorts.

"Holy shit, Shepard" he commented, looking appreciatively at him.

"What?"

"Well, hell of an outfit to say the least. Look at you."

"I prefer to look at you, Alenko."

Kaidan was no less attractive. He kissed Shepard gently with lightly parted lips, but his lover deepened the kiss, making his tongue darting in and out of Kaidan's mouth.

"I miss you, Kaidan" he clarified.

"I miss you too, but once you'll get better we -"

"Please, don't" Shepard whispered. "Can we just forget about the whole getting better bullshit? I'm fine, I am completely fine."

"Right. Sorry for that" Kaidan apologized, hating himself for bringing out that subject. "Shall we go? I booked a nice table."

"Let's go."


	4. All Of This (And Nothing)

Dinner was good, the place was lovely, one of the first restaurants to have reopened after the War, and the people of Vancouver could sit there for a couple hours pretending nothing ever happened, as if the Reapers were never there, taking away their friends and loved ones.

Shepard and Alenko, however, couldn't forget about all that, not even for a minute, the consequences of Earth's invasion impressed on Shepard, marking his skin and beneath, deep beneath. The War, however, was also what drew them to each other  and sometimes Kaidan joked about how it took the end of the world for the two of them to end up together.

"You fell in love with the legend" Shepard always commented at some point and he smiled telling that, but not really so. There was something bitter about the concept now, the concern of being unable to go back to his former self, to live up to a standard he set in the past, and - intimately - the fear of not being loved the same way anymore.

"I fell in love with the _man_ " was Kaidan's reply every time and tonight it made no difference.

They weren't great talkers while they ate or, better to say, they both preferred to enjoy their meals together focusing conversation to small talk. Quality of the wine, comments about the place and sometimes about the people around them ("I _think that lady checked on your ass when we arrived, Kaidan". "Really? Well, let her watch._ ")

But when they finished their desserts and coffees and the other customers began to leave, the dim lights and soft music drove their conversation into more personal subjects.

"You see, if you ask these people who Commander Shepard is", Kaidan started, "they would answer 'the hero who saved the galaxy'. That's a legend for you. Idolization. If you ask Jeff, or James, or Garrus or anyone who had the chance to be on the line with you, they would say 'a hero and a friend. Someone who would put anyone else before himself'. That's a bit closer, but they also idolize you."

"And you don't?"

"I used to. But then I started _loving_ you."

"Tell me the difference."

 "It's huge, it's... You know, I think love is much more selfish, to begin with."

"Selfish?"

"You, putting others before yourself... I grew to hate the idea, although as a marine I kept on admiring that in you. But part of me desperately wanted you out of danger."

"Overprotection. Yeah, I can see love doing that to people. It's understandable." He did the same, didn't he, when he ordered that evac right in front of the beam. No matter what happened, _'...know that I love you'_. Shepard was ready for the final showdown only if Kaidan was getting out of there alive.

"Besides, John, I got to know you better than anybody else." Kaidan lowered his voice to a caressing whisper. "I knew you had nightmares. I knew sometimes you got scared, or sad. I knew you didn't like to be alone... That's when I started to really feel for you."

"When you saw me weak?"

"When I saw you human. The hero in you, God, he's magnificent. But the man... is all I want. It's always been about it, isn't it, Shepard? The reason we fought, our humanity. We're men with our right to be scared, without which we could as well be machines."

Shepard thought there was a limit under which weakness becomes pathetic and he was afraid to have hit it, his body now slender and always tired, his brain incapable to focus and definitely not at its best. He leant in to kiss Kaidan tenderly.

"Our right to be in pain, too." Shepard pointed out darkly.

"It's very different. Pain is not definitely a right."

"You worrying and treating me like I could break any moment makes me angry. Sorry, angry is unfair but it's just... It's just I want to feel you like before, that's all."

"There's plenty of time for that, Shepard."

"We waited enough. I won't shatter. And for the record, I feel like I'm all of this and nothing, to tell you the truth. The soldier, the saviour, the scared man... It's all a part of me, Kaidan, and it's not like me, either. I think... I changed a lot in the few months, and I still have to figure it out who am I right now. But what I know, for sure, is what I want. You."

"Except when I start worrying and I get on your nerves."

"Yeah, except for that."

"Alright then, you win. Let's just get home and make out."


	5. Destroy (Got To Choose)

Outside, the sky had gotten darker but there were no stars to see... Nothing but big, grim and heavy clouds: weird, for two people used to lay on a bed watching billion of stars through a glass.  


In the cab on the way home, Kaidan - an arm around his lover's shoulders - looked at Shepard. Handsome as always, with all his sharp angles. But tense and lost in thoughts. His penetrating blue eyes were staring at the darkness, his jaw was clenched, his muscles tightened; Kaidan knew what was going on, he learnt it from quite some time now.

Anytime Shepard got thant silent he was reconsidering past events, over-scrutinizing everything he did under his command. He won the impossible, liberating an entire galaxy, yet he wished to have done it differently, to have saved much more lives on Thessia and not only there.

Kaidan hated how Shepard tortured himself over such an emotionally exhausting matter. However, they never spoke about it openly, because the younger man shut his partner out whenever the one person he loved and trusted - and who loved and trusted him - tried to relieve some of that weight from his heart. He just didn't want to let go.  


_'You saved everyone, Shepard, but who saves you?'_

Kaidan couldn't bear to watch his companion like that and there were so many things he wanted to say, yet every attempt risked to hurt in other ways, comforting words risked to turn out wrong. So he kept that protective arm firmly around Shepard, his body a warm, silent presence beside him, and he let his own mind drift back to the last time they made love, instead.

It was the night before Ilos. They exchanged wet kissed naked on the bed, Shepard’s strong arms were wrapped around him and Kaidan's own arms were around Shepard’s waist to hold him close, possessively.  
“Relax will help you focus” he repeated teasingly, as Shepard pulled him tight pressing his groin into Kaidan’s stomach, his erection poking his belly. Kaidan groaned in pleasure, shifting Shepard’s legs and pushing them up and apart, then shoving himself in his partner with a long and powerful thrust. They both panted aloud.

Shepard was tormented also at that time - after their intercourse he had nightmares and he couldn't sleep anymore - but there was still a fire in him Kaidan couldn't see nowadays. He so wanted to bring it back.

"I got to choose and I chose you." Shepard murmured, suddenly, his voice low so the driver wouldn't overhear.

"What?"

"Destroying the Reapers wasn't the only option. I never told you, or anybody, but there were others."

"What do you mean? Other options?" Kaidan struggled to keep his voice down as well.

"Control. Synthesis. But in the last instants, a few faces flashed before my eyes, friends who have died and then... your smile. I wanted to survive, so I chose the only way which seemed to make it possible."

The cab pulled up at the head of their driveway, Kaidan paid and they got off. It was starting to rain.

"Control..." Kaidan gasped. "You mean _controlling the Reapers_ , like the Illusive Man wanted? And Synthesis...? I don't even want to think what does it mean, but it sounds a lot like Saren Arterius to me."

They walked slowly to their door and they got inside the house the moment the rain started pouring violently down, the noise covering their voices.

"Yeah, Kaidan. Still, they didn't sound bad at the time. Probably the Reapers tricked me into choosing to let them live... Indoctrination. But then I saw you and realized I wasn't ready to leave you. Well... Speaking of how selfish love can be."

"John, I'm so glad you did it. It was the right choice: sticking to the plan, you refused to be deceived by the machines. Coming back for me, well... There's nothing selfish in surviving for something, someone. It's primordial, it's human. And you chose me _and_ the galaxy, don't forget it."

"Yeah..."

"This is the first time you open your heart to me since London and I'm so happy you felt like it. Do not regret your choice, you have no reason for that."

"I don't."

Kaidan cupped his hands around Shepard's hollow cheeks, covering his beautiful lips with his own for a moment, before deepening the kiss and Shepard responded.  


They kissed behind their front door for some time, until Kaidan felt the tension finally relaxing out of Shepard's body. The latter  wrapped his hands around his partner's neck to hold him close. 

"But we came home for something specific, Major, if I recall."

"Aye aye, Commander."


	6. Stars On The Ceiling (After All This Time)

"It's a shame to take off that suit, but I'm afraid it's got to go" Kaidan smirked, while they moved it to the bedroom with clumsy steps and they kept on kissing, all hot lips and tongues.

"Careful with it, K, I'm not shopping in one of those fancy places soon."  


"Why, the shop assistant flirted with you? I empathize with her, or him."

"Him" the younger man explained, while Kaidan was nipping delicately at Shepard's lower lip, his fingers fumbling with the Commander's jacket and then his shirt, working his buttons open and baring his skin. "At least" Shepard breathed hard "he made no innuendos on _knowing my size_ , unlike The Illusive Man once did. Awkward."  


"Really?  I'm glad you shot him in the end", Kaidan commented, his lion's eyes glued to Shepard's torso: it was slimmer, now, but still strong and well-muscled, and Kaidan's fingers traced down his partner's scars, the old and the new ones, then the thin line of hair that descended across his belly toward the groin.  


Shepard arched and hissed, but then he was  transfixed when Kaidan knelt down and  started opening Shepard's belt with  his fingers and teeth. "Not taking off your own clothes?" John finally managed to say. 

"Not before I've stripped you bare and then there will be issues of you thinking you're still in control", Kaidan answered, a big grin on his face, pulling down Shepard's pants and underwear in one gesture with his warm hands, "so I'll have to make sure you understand who calls the shots here".

These words, together with the fact of being so shamelessly exposed, made Shepard immediately hard. "Mmm... Sounding bossy, Major. I like that in you" he murmured, mirroring the other man's grin.  


They stumbled on the bed with Kaidan on top and Shepard suppressed a grunt when his back ached in the process. Kaidan was finally starting to treat him like a man and not like a damn porcelain cup, so he didn't want to break the spell.  


"At least take off my shoes and socks" he jokingly protested  instead "We've waited this long, I am _not_ having sex with my socks on", and Kaidan did like he was told. He was still fully dressed, at this point, while Shepard was completely naked.

"You're so handsome John. Before going on, I'm gonna kiss every inch of your skin."

"Yeah, until my boner is visible from space. Undress, Kaidan, and come here."

Alenko started to remove his own clothing, keeping eye-contact with his lover. "You wanna top, John?", he asked then, kneeling on the mattress between Shepard's opened legs.  


"You've always been the one to take the lead, Kaidan. It suits you. Look in the nightstand."

"Lube, right." But that wasn't the only thing sitting in the drawer. Neatly wrapped in a dark-green gift paper and a golden ribbon, there was a small box.  


"What is it?" Kaidan inquired.

"It's yours."

"What?"

"Just a way to say thank you."

Without removing himself from atop of his partner, Kaidan opened his present. It was a ring, an elegant white gold band with a simple blu sapphire on one side, and there was something engraved inside. It read -

_'To Find Someone - JS'_.

"Oh, John, I... I'm speachless. This's so beautiful."

"Put it on." 

Kaidan did so. The ring fitted perfectly. "I'll get one for you too, nothing extravagant, I promise. Then I'll get down on one knee and ask you to marry me."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"I'm deadly serious."

"We'll see. Now for the sake of what is holy, come here."

Shepard pulled his lover toward him and their mouths collided with passion in between breaths, while Kaidan blindly uncapped the lube cap and coated his fingers - which soon found their way between Shepard's cheeks and inside of him - and his length. The Commander shifted, feeling stretched, and he offered easier access spreading his legs more.

"Do it" he moaned.

"You're not ready yet" Kaidan protested.

"Fuck, Kaidan, do it" Shepard repeated impatiently.

"All right, all right..."

With a smooth move, trying to be as gentle as possible, Kaidan made Shepard rise from his laying position and then he pulled him up into his lap, penetrating him slowly, as they locked together in their love-making.

At first it was so excruciatingly painful, even if in a good way, that even breathing was difficult. Then they found a rhythm.  


Kaidan's hands were cupping Shepard's ass, keeping him open and in place. Shepard's arms were crossed behind his lover's neck for balance, his head bowed and his forehead resting on Kaidan's shoulder.

"I missed you, K" Shepard whispered, his voice hoarse with arousal, "I'm not going to last long."

"Me too, in fact I think I'm gonna - Oh God"

Some more thrusts and they both came less than a minute apart, reluctant to part from each other afterwards. Eventually, they lied side by side on the bed, both sweaty and spent.

"I love you" Kaidan whispered, caressing Shepard's thigh.  


"Love you, always." Shepard said to the ceiling, where the stars once were. Actually, they were still over there, somewhere. 

"And the best thing is" Kaidan rolled on one side, making Shepard do the same, so they could spoon "we have a lifetime for this, now. No more interruptions."

"Fuck with saving the universe" Shepard grinned.

"Yeah," Kaidan replied, kissing the back of Shepard's neck, "fuck with that."

 

 

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it ;)  
> I really needed to write this down, trying to resolve my feelings on ME3 because I'll never be ok with the endings, not even with the more optimistic one.  
> This fic is not beta'ed and I'm not an English native speaker, so I apologize for any mistake I made.  
> Thanks for reading! ♥


End file.
